The Idiot Cull

I read it and wept - Idiot #20

2006-08-14T10:50:00.000+01:00

Before I launch into today's idiot I present my congratulations to Darren Campbell for his reaction to winning gold as part of Britain's 4 X100m relay team. The suggestions are that he was not happy with Dwain (repentant cheat) Chambers being part of the team. Understandable given that the team he was part of four years ago were stripped of their medals.

Darren is not the most talented of the current crop of British sprinters but he has always given his all when asked. He could have backed out of the team as a protest but I think by doing his duty and then refusing to celebrate he has shown what kind of man he is and I tip my hat to him. I think it is disgusting that Dwain chambers is allowed to compete at this level after admitting to cheating.

However we are here for the idiots and idiots are here. Today I nominate the writers of this letter suggesting that British foreign policy is putting British citizens at risk. Specifically I include the MP's who signed it. All those who signed the letter are eligible to vote and whilst our election process is far from perfect it generally works. This letter read to me like a threat. Change your foreign policy or die. That disgusts me.

If you don't like our foreign policy then bear it in mind at the next election, vote for someone who promises something different, write to your MP and tell them. As for the MP's who signed it, you are an integral part to our democratic process. What about the collective responsibility of parliament for the laws and policies that are put forward in our name? You take the public purse for your salary and when something happens you don't agree with you condemn the very system you are part of.

As it happens I am not entirely satisfied with my country's foreign policy nor did I vote for Labour at the last elections, but I am sensible enough to realise that they are in power because enough people believed they would do a better job of running the country than the alternatives. The Government we get should be thought of in the same way as investments. Past performance should not necessarily be a guide to future performance. However that is pretty much all you have to go on. Democracy in action is not always pretty and it makes us uncomfortable because deep down we know that we only have ourselves to blame for the things our Government does.

Today's Cull: You will be added to a bottle of liquid explosive and wired up to the battery on a disposable camera, what happens next will be inevitable.

Why MP's should not breed - Idiot #19

2006-08-11T10:41:00.000+01:00

Two posts in two days, blimey. I was driven to post by this news story. The MP for Norwich north has managed to insert his feet firmly in his mouth and suggested that the high level of diabetes in his area is due to inbreeding. Of course he didn't use those words exactly but it was clear what he was driving back.

Now generally I think our MP's do a good job but this sort of remark is likely to see Dr Gibson out of work come the next election. his remarks were the sort of thing people would joke about in a pub after work, not publicly announce on the Local radio station.

The thing that struck me about this is how little press the story has got. We have an MP publicly suggesting his constituents are inbreeding and you get a story on the Beeb website but I have seen nothing else. I am sure it has made the news locally but not much else. I bet if he was london based it would be different.

Today's Cull: You will be given an insulin overdose.

Chuck the damn spear - Idiot #18

2006-08-09T14:27:00.000+01:00

After a week without a post due to workload I present you with a sporting idiot. In a former life I was a bit of an athlete even as far as doing my degree in sports science. Yesterday I witnessed a top level athletic failure of the highest order.

I am talking about Kelly Sotherton. On Monday and Tuesday she was competing in the heptathlon at the European Athletics Championships in Gothenburg. At the end of five events she was well in contention for a medal, and was the closest challenger to the eventual winner Carolina Kluft. The penultimate event is the javelin. It is well known as Sotherton's weakest event and it showed. She just managed to break 30 metres scoring a pitiful 478 points where previously she was averaging about 900 points per event. Her throw would have embarrassed a club level athlete. The javelin is one of those events that is deceptively simple. It looks straightforward but requires a good technique to get any sort of performance. I have seen skinny guys easily out through big lumps at athletics meetings simply because they knew what they were doing.

In Britain there is a history of success in the javelin and a fair number of decent coaches. Why the hell did she not work harder at it? I am sure she has put some work into it and the problem is now partly psychological. It is no longer a case of nipping the javelin failures in the bud as they have been going on too long already, she needs someone to tell her what she is doing wrong. That someone should be British Athletics. With central contracts being offered to top performers British Athletics should invest in what are now their employees like any other organisation. The performance director thinks it is clever to publicly mark the athletes out of ten, I just hope that behind the scenes he is making sure that the athletes are getting more that just financial support.

Today's Cull: You will be hit around the head with a training manual.

Rogue Zebra Alert - Idiot #17

2006-07-31T09:48:00.000+01:00

After a week off from posting due to work induced laziness I present the latest idiot to cross my path. This one originated sometime on Thursday night. I noticed on my way to work on Friday morning that the High Street had gained an additional piece of artwork. Not the traditional bit of graffiti but a new zebra crossing, painted in white emulsion, about twenty yards from the official one.

The road either side of this new addition to the landscape was marked with white tyre tracks and footprints, the paint was none of your traditional quick drying variety. By the time I returned home on Friday evening the crossing had been embellisged with a sign designating it as an illegal road marking. To be honest if you are the sort of person who needed to be told that it was an unofficial crossing then you shouldn't be out on your own.

I have no idea why this was done, but it is a cut above the usual acts of vandalism I see around where I live. It demonstrates an additional level of thought processes that the average local idiot does not posses. Is it rebellion against traffic, are the perpetrators environmental terrorists seeking to confuse the motorist? Or are they motoring zealots that did it with the express aim of taking out a few errant pedestrians?

Regardless of who they are they are idiots. Not because of what they did, but because they gave no clue to either who they are or what their motivation was. It's like killing yourself and not leaving a note. We learn nothing from the actions of these people and for that reason alone they are subject to the cull.

Today's Cull: You will be beaten to death with a Futurist manifesto

Not the sharpest tool in the box - Idiot #16

2006-07-21T09:13:00.000+01:00

A veritable feast of idiots today but as usual only one will get the prize. First up is the three handbag lady that sat next to me on the train home. Being male I have no idea what is in a woman's bag but I am always amazed when I see people with the need for two or three of them. If it is a one off thing then okay, but that fact that this lady was using three fairly sturdy and expensive looking bags suggests that this was a regular occurrence. Surely it must be easier to use one big bag than try to juggle with three smaller ones? However this is such a regular occurrence out here on the suburban express that it is not going to win the prize today.

The second nomination is to the scumbags that leave their used chewing gum on the seat back on the train. It is repellent and just annoys the hell out of me. I bet they'd get the hump if I wiped bogies on their sofa's. I think they should be shot... Out of a bloody giant cannon over Beachy head for public amusement.

Finally it is today's victor. Last night I rushed home early (although with my train cancelled rushed is probably the wrong word) to attend my sons school open day. Whilst they we inspected some of the work he has done. Being a boy of a certain age number one son likes dinosaurs. A lot of his work involved pictures of dinosaurs and writing about what the pictures are of.

One specific picture had a drawing of a spinosaurus on it. Alongside was the following piece of text:

"This is a spinosaurus, it has sharp teeth"

A basic sentence, but my son is only five. His spelling of spinosaurus was okay as he has spent many hours looking at dinosaur reference books and he has a good memory. However the usual practice in his school is that if a child spells a word incorrectly then the teacher or LSA ( essentially a trained helper in the classroom) writes the correct spelling above it.

In this piece of work the staff member (they usually initial the work they correct but in this case, wisely, they had chosen to remain anonymous) had corrected my son's spelling of sharp. Not a problem you would think until you look closely. My son had written the word like so:

SHARP

The member of staff had written the 'correct' spelling above it:

SHARPE

At times like this I am glad that my wife is a teacher and will hopefully keep my son on the straight and narrow.

Today's Cull: You will be beaten to death with hardback copies of the Oxford English Dictionary. (What are the odds of me making a spelling mistake in this post I wonder?)

Vomitwatch update: I thought the sun might bleach it a bit but it seems to have caused some kind of chemical reaction as the vomit is now getting a brighter orange by the day.

Democracy? - Idiot #15

2006-07-20T09:46:00.000+01:00

Before jumping to the nomination today I will admit to making a late bid for the nominee this morning. Traipsing across Covent Garden on my way to the office I tripped over one of the cobbles. This was not a standard trip however. My arms went windmilling over my head. The bag attached to the arms followed before bouncing across the cobbles. In the process destroying two apples, cracking the screen on my portable DAB radio and destroying the bottle of calpol I had bought for my kids (as both are suffering from a summer cold at the moment). All this happened in front of quite a few delivery drivers causing embarrassment to go with the scuffed shoes, destroyed consumer goods and bruised knees.

However today's idiot is somewhat of an easy target. George W Bush last night used his veto powers to overrule a bill to remove the barriers to funding of Stem Cell research. This research has potential to cure things like Alzheimers and Parkinsons Disease, and the US Congress decided that this was a good thing. However Bush decided that this bill was immoral and used his powers to say thanks but no thanks.

No whilst I understand that this is essentially a 'where do you draw the line' argument the bill was going to allow the use of embryos for stem cell research. These embryos would have been destroyed anyway so I don't see the issue. Especially as at the same time a bill banning the growth of foetuses specifically for this sort of research was okayed.

Today's Cull: I took a vote of people I know and the overwhelming consensus was for you to be given a humane culling. However I decided I didn't like that idea and ignored them Therefore you will be removed from the gene pool by being beaten to death by three week old hard boiled eggs.

Namby Pamby - Idiot #14

2006-07-18T14:30:00.000+01:00

Today we have a pair of idiots. One of them is me. My life has been relatively idiot-free for a few days, but yesterday evening made up for lost time. With two possible nominations. The first was the fat guy in his forties belting down the path on a mini-motorbike. Unfortunately he didn't fall off and cause himself and his two wheeled lawnmower damage. I hate these bloody things with a vengeance. There are no use as a mode of transport and make loads of noise. The evolutionary backwater I live in has loads of them that come out of the cracks when the sun is out.

If I had my way (which rarely happens) I would issue members of the public with sticks to hit these dipsticks with as they ride past.

However this guy is not today's idiot. That reward is reserved for Mrs Loaf and I. Last night just before retiring to the boudoir I heard a yelp from the wife. She was being terrorised by a giant moth. This bugger had a wingspan like an albatross and the sense of direction of my mum. Being the big man in the house (till my son grows a bit), I entered the fray only to have the thing launch itself at me like a missile. I will admit I screamed like a girl, I know not why.

Eventually we managed to get the thing out of the house. Well I say we, but I mean the wife. She trapped it with a very small mug and then with the aid of a book several times thicker than it needed to be she took it outside and released it. The moth had one final surprise in store though. It refused to leave the mug and so the wife had a look inside the thing. The moth decided this was the right time to vacate the mug straight into her. More girly screaming ensued, this time from a more appropriate gender.

Today's Cull: you will be pelted to death with mothballs

It was the men in dark suits wot did it!!! - Idiot #13

2006-07-13T10:12:00.000+01:00

Today I dedicate my post to conspiracy theorists everywhere. For some strange reason a couple of forums I frequent have become full of these nut jobs. Now whilst I am sure that we don't get told anywhere near everything our government does in our name, that doesn't mean I think they are behind every bad thing that happens in the world.

The conspiracy theory generally rests on the theory of who benefits. Generally beleiving that if someone benefits from an action then it must be down to them. It's a useful starting point for any investigation but these people seem to assume that it is more than a starting point. They take the who benefits argument and then seek the shape the detail of events around that central point.

For example if someone lost £10 and I found it in the street and picked it up a conspiracy theorist would argue that I benefitted therefore it was me that caused them to lose the £10 in the first place. If there was a hole in the persons pocket through which the £10 fell it would be argued that those trousers have never failed like that before and I must therefore have sabotaged them.

I may be being naive but generally in my dealing with politicians I have got the sense that they are trying to do good. Yes they have their own agenda, doesn't everybody, but I do not get the sense they are not aiming to do evil things.

The one thing that annoys me about all this sort of thing is that is dilutes the pressure applied to government on legitimate issues. You may be a credible individual moaning to your MP about the need to have prior permission to demonstrate close to parliament (a disgusting peice of legislation) but the moment you start accusing people of a cover up regarding the bombing on 7/7 (and people are out there saying this) is the moment people stop taking you seriously.

I have no problem with people investigating things, I have a problem when they present uninformed and in some cases downright incorrect findings as the truth.

Today's Cull: You will be rounded up by men dressed in dark suits driving an unmarked Ford Transit. Once taken you will be driven to an abandoned warehouse and injected with Truth serum until you reveal your sources. Once this ordeal is over your life will be ended by an undetectable poision and your body hidden behind the back of Waitrose.

You disgust me - Idiot #12

2006-07-12T15:05:00.000+01:00

The nomination today was straightforward. Although a train leaving early causing me to be late for work make a last minute bid for stardom. There was only ever going to be one winner though.

Picture the scene, busy commuter train out of London, makes an extra stop to make up for a broken down train. Train begins to resemble a cattle truck and it is time for our idiot to enter.

It is a hot, humid day. Our hero is dressed from head to toe in heat absorbing black. He is not a good looking man. He is tall, overweight and in desperate need of cosmetic dentistry. As he squeezes onto the carriage between my good self and the rather attractive young lady next to me it becomes clear what his problem is. Even with the doors open we can smell this guy, when the doors shut it becomes close to unbearable. This guy stinks, he must know. He seems oblivious even when both of us hold our noses.

To top it all not only does he have no awareness of if stench he has little awareness of anyone else on the train. At Sidcup station the doors open. I get out so that others can get off the train. Smelly guy sees this as an opportunity to breath out and steps sideways making everyone have to push past his sweaty frame. This guy disgusts me, he is worse than an idiot. He is an aberration.

Today's Cull: You will be locked in a small airt tight cupboard with nothing but your B.O. for company.

PS. As an additional note I have instigated Vomit-Watch. Specifically the red coloured deposit near All Bar One on Bedford Street. It has been there over a week now and to be honest is well past the stage where a mop will do the job. I doubt even Cillit Bang will cut the mustard. I will keep you posted on it's evolution over the coming days.

Timing is the Key - Idiot #11

2006-07-11T09:39:00.000+01:00

After a long weekend of weddings, skipping, drinking, wireless networking and sex there were many candidates for an idiot. I could keep it football and nominate Zidane but that is too easy. I could be cruel and nominate slightly annoying relative who decides that the best way to look after her kids is to get pissed and leave me to do it (simply because I am supervising my own at the time and hers are in the same timezone). Hell I could even nominate myself for listening to an old Phil Collins album and actually liking it.

However the best moment of the very very long weekend came on the first day. During the meal of the first wedding one relative of Mrs Loaf was complaining about not getting her dessert as everyone else had theirs. So she politely mentioned it to one of the waiting staff. No problem there, but the cheap bucks fizz had already gone to her head and she jokingly said that after he complaint they would probably spit in her trifle.

It's the sort of joke people make it this situation, however they don't normally make it quite as loudly as she did (everybody heard her) and nor do they say this sort of thing when the waiting staff are standing behind her just about to hand her the aforementioned trifle. They may not have had time to spit in her dessert but I bet her coffee with a little bit frothier than everyone else's.

Todays Cull: You will be drowned it a combination of spit and trifle.

Pointless Traffic Lights - Idiot #10

2006-07-03T14:48:00.000+01:00

I dedicate todays post to the unanamed hordes at planning departments and property developers.

Living in the Thames Gateway area close to the new channel tunnel station at Ebbfleet (So names because Northfleet sounds a bit too scummy), there are loads of houses being built. I don't have too much objection to it other than one thing. Why the hell does each new bit of housing have to have it's own set of traffic lights? I'm sure it is done specifically to make it easier for the rich sods living in new build hell to get out of town. We have a ridiculous situation where about 100 yards before the main Bluewater roundabout is a set of traffic lights. I get caught at there nine times out of ten, yet I have only once ever seen anyone waiting to get out from Waterstone Park.

There is another new development going on near Gravesend and Northfleet football ground, and despite being a relatively small development it needs it's own set of traffic lights. These lights are yet to be activated but when they are they will be the second set of lights within the space of about fifty yards. If you add the set at the top of the hill that makes three sets within half a mile.

My plea to council planning officers is that just because these developers line your pockets and give community developments via Section 52 agreements doesn't me you should give their clients the benefit of preferential treatment getting away from their identikit plasterboarded hell-holes. make them give way like the rest of us.

Today's Cull: You will be hung from the nearest traffic lights, let's face it, there are plenty to choose from.

Ungrateful Staff - Idiot #9

2006-06-30T10:49:00.000+01:00

As a bonus today we have a group of idiots. Namely some ungrateful staff in the office. Pending a refurbishment we need to offload a bunch of our old equipment. An all staff email met with a prompt response and pretty soon the cupboard was bare.

Shortly afterwards I was doorstepped by a stroppy looking couple of people who had said to me about six months ago that if we were ever getting rid of anything they would be interested. Fair enough they might well have done, but I don't remember every conversation I have ever had especially not odd snippets from half a year ago. These two people were sulking like my five year old son does, all because I neglected to give them preferential treatment, and they missed out.

For the love of chisels this was four and five year old equipment that was nearly worthless, much of it had gone on Freecycle as it generally ends up going to a worthy cause. In future it all will.

Todays Cull: You will be beaten round the head with old hard drives.

Train Chat Tosser - Idiot #8

2006-06-30T10:40:00.000+01:00

Todays idiot is the un-names git who delayed my train this morning by saying a long goodbye to his mate at London Bridge. He decided that rather than let the train continue on to Charing Cross he would hold the doors open and continue gossiping with some other bloke. when he eventually let the doors close he shouted to his mate that he would call him in a minute.

A few commuters suggested that he might want to let the doors close, those suggestions were met with a not, a rude as it could have been, response. Telling them it would be 'In a fucking minute'. this being an earlier train frequented by builders and other non-office worker types the language directed back was a bit fruity.

To be honest I was half asleep so didn't really notice until voices became raised but it never ceases to amaze me how many inconsiderate and impolite people there are on this planet.

Todays Cull: You will be crushed between the specially sharpened doors of train.

Beeb Balls Up - Idiot #7

2006-06-23T12:22:00.000+01:00

It would be easy to select Graham 'Look At Me Ma I'm On Telly' Poll as today's idiot after he quite clearly lost the plot in the last ten minutes of the game yesterday. Booking one Croatian three times and deciding to reverse a throw in decision because two croations had balls at the same time and hadn't really agreed who should take the throw in.

However todays nomination goes to the unnamed individual at the beeb who decided that it would be better to show the Japan-brazil game as the main one. Okay Brazil are the 'sexy' side but it should have been obvious that the Australia-Croatia game was the better bet. The two teams were competing against one another for the second qualification space (Because Japan never really had much chance of beating Brazil - even if they did take the lead. But more than that there is a strong Croatian community in Australian adding some more spice to the game. This game was full of attitude, effort and a fair amount of ineptitude.

Todays Cull: You will be forced to do the Peter Crouch robot 'dance' until the pain from RSI causes your to pass out. You will then be repeatedly hit by wet footballs from the fifties until your misery has passed.

Surround Sound Screw Up - Idiot #6

2006-06-14T09:23:00.000+01:00

I was at the cinema last night watching United 93. The film itself was fantastic. Utterly compelling and horrible to watch. The relative unknowns in the cast made it seem more real and the silence in the cinema at the end when the plane crashed was spooky. During the film some guy a few seats away from me kept looking round and shushing people. Fair enough I suppose, at least until I realised he was not really getting it.

During the film there are loads of scenes where the chaos at Air Traffic Control and the FAA are depicted. In these scenes there are loads of people talking, many of which are just designed to be background noise. The surround sound setup in the cinema meant that a lot of this background noise came out behind you and sounded like whispering. I realised this quite quickly but this guy spent the whole film trying to work out who was spoiling his movie.

Todays Cull: You are culled via sleep deprivation, caused by three smelly people whispering in you ear 24/7.

Holiday Hiatus is Over - Idiots #4 & #5

2006-06-12T10:38:00.000+01:00

Two idiots today. One human (barely) and one not so much with the human.

First up is the Cash machine I use on the Strand. I needed a tenner to stick in a collection for someone at work and the machine says it can't give me one. So I change it to twenty quid. The machine can deal quite happily with that. I take my card back and wait to be given the funds. They duly appear and I am given two crisp ten pund notes. Twice as many as I wanted and two more than it said it had. Damned lying technological idiot.

Today's Bonus cull:This machine is condemned to be drowned in balsamic vinegar for three weeks.

The second idiot is the driver of the pointlessly souped up 1.2 corsa near where I live. Weighed down by several tons of customisation this car does 0-60 in about a week. But what it lacks in oomph it makes up for in noise and persistence. The driver spent much of yesterday night belting round making use of the chicane in the now completed road works. I accept that it took a few laps to get up to speed by why the repeated attempts to break the world noise record? It wouldn't have been so bad to be honest if I was in the back of the house, but our bedroom is at the front and Sunday night shenanigans are not made more romantic by the sound of fossil fuel wastage down our street.

Todays Cull: You will be put in metal shoes and welded to a skateboard. You will then be pushed down shooters hill whilst blindfolded.

Old School Idiot - Idiot #3

2006-05-26T09:45:00.000+01:00

I was tempted to nominate our area education officer as today's idiot but I am anxious to avoid libel costs. I find it difficult to believe that one man could contradict himself so many times in one meeting, especially when that meeting was in public, being recorded and attended by the press.

To keep things light prior to my holiday I nominate the guy who sat next to me on the train this morning. His first crime was sitting with his briefcase on his lap, despite it being too wide and it constantly nudging in the leg.

His main problem was his desire to play cards using his briefcase as a desk. This guy was playing patience, most techno geeks would use their ipod or their phone or other such technically Wizardry. Not this guy. He was using real cards. After spending an age shuffling them he laid them out and proceeded to deal them onto the case, then tutting under his breath every time the train bumped or his case nudged me. Each time this occurred the cards shifted slightly and he slowly and methodically straightened them all again and continued playing. Generally each period between bumps was about thirty seconds and it took him twice as long to straighten his stacks. During the whole journey he managed a couple of games. MY favorite moment was when he lost a couple of cards onto the floor and was scrabbling around between a very shocked blokes legs for the three of clubs. Patience man you are today's idiot.

Today's Cull:
You will be bled to death by multiple cuts applied with the sharpened edge of some of those metal playing cards you can buy on the internet whilst simultaneously being jabbed in the leg by a large cricket bat.

You're So Vain - Idiot #2

2006-05-24T09:28:00.000+01:00

I have seen the odd incident in my time at the gym. There is the traditional falling off of the treadmill, which always raises a laugh. Exceedingly sweaty people, especially the guy who doesn't so much sweat as spray body fluids from every pore when exercising. He doesn't need a towel to wipe the equipment when he has finished, he needs a mop, or one of them things they use at the cricket to suck up water.

However all these are nothing compared to what I saw in the changing rooms last week. Whilst getting changed ready for my regular Friday lunchtime workout I was aware of someone behind me using the hairdryer. Nothing unusual there. The thing was though, he was using it to dry his body hair.

I will say that again. This guy was blowdrying his body hair. Not just his chest wig, but everything. Legs, armpit etc. Now I am not the most hirsute of people so have never had the problem of wet fur post shower, but I would imagine a towel is more than adequate.

If you are that vain then shave the bloody stuff off. Standing there admiring your torso in front of the mirror watching your hairy chest fluttering in the articially created warm breeze is not sensible behaviour. For that you become the second idiot to be culled.

Todays Cull:
You will have your shoelaces tied together and then be chased across a busy dual carriageway by three blind women carrying waxing equipment.

Sweet and Sour Bastard - Idiot #1

2006-05-23T14:37:00.000+01:00

Before I get into it. Here is how it works. I describe the crime of an idiot breathing our valuable oxygen and the propose a suitable method to cull them from the planet.

Something very close to home to start with. When I say close, I mean attached to my house. A big pile of sweet and sour sauce (I assume that's what it is). The inaugural idiot/s are the arsebiscuits who decided that their evening meal was not to their liking and spread the contents of their sauce pot all over my front window.

The wife has spent a good deal of time chiseling this stuff off the window, but her gravitationally inconvenienced stature means there is some left for me to deal with when I get home.

Obviously you were off school the day they taught you what a bin is.

Todays Cull:
You will be sellotaped into an abandoned shopping trolley and pushed off Beachy Head.