Friday, May 26, 2006

 

Old School Idiot - Idiot #3

I was tempted to nominate our area education officer as today's idiot but I am anxious to avoid libel costs. I find it difficult to believe that one man could contradict himself so many times in one meeting, especially when that meeting was in public, being recorded and attended by the press.

To keep things light prior to my holiday I nominate the guy who sat next to me on the train this morning. His first crime was sitting with his briefcase on his lap, despite it being too wide and it constantly nudging in the leg.

His main problem was his desire to play cards using his briefcase as a desk. This guy was playing patience, most techno geeks would use their ipod or their phone or other such technically Wizardry. Not this guy. He was using real cards. After spending an age shuffling them he laid them out and proceeded to deal them onto the case, then tutting under his breath every time the train bumped or his case nudged me. Each time this occurred the cards shifted slightly and he slowly and methodically straightened them all again and continued playing. Generally each period between bumps was about thirty seconds and it took him twice as long to straighten his stacks. During the whole journey he managed a couple of games. MY favorite moment was when he lost a couple of cards onto the floor and was scrabbling around between a very shocked blokes legs for the three of clubs. Patience man you are today's idiot.

Today's Cull:
You will be bled to death by multiple cuts applied with the sharpened edge of some of those metal playing cards you can buy on the internet whilst simultaneously being jabbed in the leg by a large cricket bat.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

 

You're So Vain - Idiot #2

I have seen the odd incident in my time at the gym. There is the traditional falling off of the treadmill, which always raises a laugh. Exceedingly sweaty people, especially the guy who doesn't so much sweat as spray body fluids from every pore when exercising. He doesn't need a towel to wipe the equipment when he has finished, he needs a mop, or one of them things they use at the cricket to suck up water.

However all these are nothing compared to what I saw in the changing rooms last week. Whilst getting changed ready for my regular Friday lunchtime workout I was aware of someone behind me using the hairdryer. Nothing unusual there. The thing was though, he was using it to dry his body hair.

I will say that again. This guy was blowdrying his body hair. Not just his chest wig, but everything. Legs, armpit etc. Now I am not the most hirsute of people so have never had the problem of wet fur post shower, but I would imagine a towel is more than adequate.

If you are that vain then shave the bloody stuff off. Standing there admiring your torso in front of the mirror watching your hairy chest fluttering in the articially created warm breeze is not sensible behaviour. For that you become the second idiot to be culled.

Todays Cull:
You will have your shoelaces tied together and then be chased across a busy dual carriageway by three blind women carrying waxing equipment.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

 

Sweet and Sour Bastard - Idiot #1

Before I get into it. Here is how it works. I describe the crime of an idiot breathing our valuable oxygen and the propose a suitable method to cull them from the planet.

Something very close to home to start with. When I say close, I mean attached to my house. A big pile of sweet and sour sauce (I assume that's what it is). The inaugural idiot/s are the arsebiscuits who decided that their evening meal was not to their liking and spread the contents of their sauce pot all over my front window.

The wife has spent a good deal of time chiseling this stuff off the window, but her gravitationally inconvenienced stature means there is some left for me to deal with when I get home.

Obviously you were off school the day they taught you what a bin is.


Todays Cull:
You will be sellotaped into an abandoned shopping trolley and pushed off Beachy Head.

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