Monday, July 31, 2006


Rogue Zebra Alert - Idiot #17

After a week off from posting due to work induced laziness I present the latest idiot to cross my path. This one originated sometime on Thursday night. I noticed on my way to work on Friday morning that the High Street had gained an additional piece of artwork. Not the traditional bit of graffiti but a new zebra crossing, painted in white emulsion, about twenty yards from the official one.

The road either side of this new addition to the landscape was marked with white tyre tracks and footprints, the paint was none of your traditional quick drying variety. By the time I returned home on Friday evening the crossing had been embellisged with a sign designating it as an illegal road marking. To be honest if you are the sort of person who needed to be told that it was an unofficial crossing then you shouldn't be out on your own.

I have no idea why this was done, but it is a cut above the usual acts of vandalism I see around where I live. It demonstrates an additional level of thought processes that the average local idiot does not posses. Is it rebellion against traffic, are the perpetrators environmental terrorists seeking to confuse the motorist? Or are they motoring zealots that did it with the express aim of taking out a few errant pedestrians?

Regardless of who they are they are idiots. Not because of what they did, but because they gave no clue to either who they are or what their motivation was. It's like killing yourself and not leaving a note. We learn nothing from the actions of these people and for that reason alone they are subject to the cull.

Today's Cull: You will be beaten to death with a Futurist manifesto

Friday, July 21, 2006


Not the sharpest tool in the box - Idiot #16

A veritable feast of idiots today but as usual only one will get the prize. First up is the three handbag lady that sat next to me on the train home. Being male I have no idea what is in a woman's bag but I am always amazed when I see people with the need for two or three of them. If it is a one off thing then okay, but that fact that this lady was using three fairly sturdy and expensive looking bags suggests that this was a regular occurrence. Surely it must be easier to use one big bag than try to juggle with three smaller ones? However this is such a regular occurrence out here on the suburban express that it is not going to win the prize today.

The second nomination is to the scumbags that leave their used chewing gum on the seat back on the train. It is repellent and just annoys the hell out of me. I bet they'd get the hump if I wiped bogies on their sofa's. I think they should be shot... Out of a bloody giant cannon over Beachy head for public amusement.

Finally it is today's victor. Last night I rushed home early (although with my train cancelled rushed is probably the wrong word) to attend my sons school open day. Whilst they we inspected some of the work he has done. Being a boy of a certain age number one son likes dinosaurs. A lot of his work involved pictures of dinosaurs and writing about what the pictures are of.

One specific picture had a drawing of a spinosaurus on it. Alongside was the following piece of text:

"This is a spinosaurus, it has sharp teeth"

A basic sentence, but my son is only five. His spelling of spinosaurus was okay as he has spent many hours looking at dinosaur reference books and he has a good memory. However the usual practice in his school is that if a child spells a word incorrectly then the teacher or LSA ( essentially a trained helper in the classroom) writes the correct spelling above it.

In this piece of work the staff member (they usually initial the work they correct but in this case, wisely, they had chosen to remain anonymous) had corrected my son's spelling of sharp. Not a problem you would think until you look closely. My son had written the word like so:


The member of staff had written the 'correct' spelling above it:


At times like this I am glad that my wife is a teacher and will hopefully keep my son on the straight and narrow.

Today's Cull: You will be beaten to death with hardback copies of the Oxford English Dictionary. (What are the odds of me making a spelling mistake in this post I wonder?)

Vomitwatch update: I thought the sun might bleach it a bit but it seems to have caused some kind of chemical reaction as the vomit is now getting a brighter orange by the day.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Democracy? - Idiot #15

Before jumping to the nomination today I will admit to making a late bid for the nominee this morning. Traipsing across Covent Garden on my way to the office I tripped over one of the cobbles. This was not a standard trip however. My arms went windmilling over my head. The bag attached to the arms followed before bouncing across the cobbles. In the process destroying two apples, cracking the screen on my portable DAB radio and destroying the bottle of calpol I had bought for my kids (as both are suffering from a summer cold at the moment). All this happened in front of quite a few delivery drivers causing embarrassment to go with the scuffed shoes, destroyed consumer goods and bruised knees.

However today's idiot is somewhat of an easy target. George W Bush last night used his veto powers to overrule a bill to remove the barriers to funding of Stem Cell research. This research has potential to cure things like Alzheimers and Parkinsons Disease, and the US Congress decided that this was a good thing. However Bush decided that this bill was immoral and used his powers to say thanks but no thanks.

No whilst I understand that this is essentially a 'where do you draw the line' argument the bill was going to allow the use of embryos for stem cell research. These embryos would have been destroyed anyway so I don't see the issue. Especially as at the same time a bill banning the growth of foetuses specifically for this sort of research was okayed.

Today's Cull: I took a vote of people I know and the overwhelming consensus was for you to be given a humane culling. However I decided I didn't like that idea and ignored them Therefore you will be removed from the gene pool by being beaten to death by three week old hard boiled eggs.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


Namby Pamby - Idiot #14

Today we have a pair of idiots. One of them is me. My life has been relatively idiot-free for a few days, but yesterday evening made up for lost time. With two possible nominations. The first was the fat guy in his forties belting down the path on a mini-motorbike. Unfortunately he didn't fall off and cause himself and his two wheeled lawnmower damage. I hate these bloody things with a vengeance. There are no use as a mode of transport and make loads of noise. The evolutionary backwater I live in has loads of them that come out of the cracks when the sun is out.

If I had my way (which rarely happens) I would issue members of the public with sticks to hit these dipsticks with as they ride past.

However this guy is not today's idiot. That reward is reserved for Mrs Loaf and I. Last night just before retiring to the boudoir I heard a yelp from the wife. She was being terrorised by a giant moth. This bugger had a wingspan like an albatross and the sense of direction of my mum. Being the big man in the house (till my son grows a bit), I entered the fray only to have the thing launch itself at me like a missile. I will admit I screamed like a girl, I know not why.

Eventually we managed to get the thing out of the house. Well I say we, but I mean the wife. She trapped it with a very small mug and then with the aid of a book several times thicker than it needed to be she took it outside and released it. The moth had one final surprise in store though. It refused to leave the mug and so the wife had a look inside the thing. The moth decided this was the right time to vacate the mug straight into her. More girly screaming ensued, this time from a more appropriate gender.

Today's Cull: you will be pelted to death with mothballs

Thursday, July 13, 2006


It was the men in dark suits wot did it!!! - Idiot #13

Today I dedicate my post to conspiracy theorists everywhere. For some strange reason a couple of forums I frequent have become full of these nut jobs. Now whilst I am sure that we don't get told anywhere near everything our government does in our name, that doesn't mean I think they are behind every bad thing that happens in the world.

The conspiracy theory generally rests on the theory of who benefits. Generally beleiving that if someone benefits from an action then it must be down to them. It's a useful starting point for any investigation but these people seem to assume that it is more than a starting point. They take the who benefits argument and then seek the shape the detail of events around that central point.

For example if someone lost £10 and I found it in the street and picked it up a conspiracy theorist would argue that I benefitted therefore it was me that caused them to lose the £10 in the first place. If there was a hole in the persons pocket through which the £10 fell it would be argued that those trousers have never failed like that before and I must therefore have sabotaged them.

I may be being naive but generally in my dealing with politicians I have got the sense that they are trying to do good. Yes they have their own agenda, doesn't everybody, but I do not get the sense they are not aiming to do evil things.

The one thing that annoys me about all this sort of thing is that is dilutes the pressure applied to government on legitimate issues. You may be a credible individual moaning to your MP about the need to have prior permission to demonstrate close to parliament (a disgusting peice of legislation) but the moment you start accusing people of a cover up regarding the bombing on 7/7 (and people are out there saying this) is the moment people stop taking you seriously.

I have no problem with people investigating things, I have a problem when they present uninformed and in some cases downright incorrect findings as the truth.

Today's Cull: You will be rounded up by men dressed in dark suits driving an unmarked Ford Transit. Once taken you will be driven to an abandoned warehouse and injected with Truth serum until you reveal your sources. Once this ordeal is over your life will be ended by an undetectable poision and your body hidden behind the back of Waitrose.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


You disgust me - Idiot #12

The nomination today was straightforward. Although a train leaving early causing me to be late for work make a last minute bid for stardom. There was only ever going to be one winner though.

Picture the scene, busy commuter train out of London, makes an extra stop to make up for a broken down train. Train begins to resemble a cattle truck and it is time for our idiot to enter.

It is a hot, humid day. Our hero is dressed from head to toe in heat absorbing black. He is not a good looking man. He is tall, overweight and in desperate need of cosmetic dentistry. As he squeezes onto the carriage between my good self and the rather attractive young lady next to me it becomes clear what his problem is. Even with the doors open we can smell this guy, when the doors shut it becomes close to unbearable. This guy stinks, he must know. He seems oblivious even when both of us hold our noses.

To top it all not only does he have no awareness of if stench he has little awareness of anyone else on the train. At Sidcup station the doors open. I get out so that others can get off the train. Smelly guy sees this as an opportunity to breath out and steps sideways making everyone have to push past his sweaty frame. This guy disgusts me, he is worse than an idiot. He is an aberration.

Today's Cull: You will be locked in a small airt tight cupboard with nothing but your B.O. for company.

PS. As an additional note I have instigated Vomit-Watch. Specifically the red coloured deposit near All Bar One on Bedford Street. It has been there over a week now and to be honest is well past the stage where a mop will do the job. I doubt even Cillit Bang will cut the mustard. I will keep you posted on it's evolution over the coming days.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Timing is the Key - Idiot #11

After a long weekend of weddings, skipping, drinking, wireless networking and sex there were many candidates for an idiot. I could keep it football and nominate Zidane but that is too easy. I could be cruel and nominate slightly annoying relative who decides that the best way to look after her kids is to get pissed and leave me to do it (simply because I am supervising my own at the time and hers are in the same timezone). Hell I could even nominate myself for listening to an old Phil Collins album and actually liking it.

However the best moment of the very very long weekend came on the first day. During the meal of the first wedding one relative of Mrs Loaf was complaining about not getting her dessert as everyone else had theirs. So she politely mentioned it to one of the waiting staff. No problem there, but the cheap bucks fizz had already gone to her head and she jokingly said that after he complaint they would probably spit in her trifle.

It's the sort of joke people make it this situation, however they don't normally make it quite as loudly as she did (everybody heard her) and nor do they say this sort of thing when the waiting staff are standing behind her just about to hand her the aforementioned trifle. They may not have had time to spit in her dessert but I bet her coffee with a little bit frothier than everyone else's.

Todays Cull: You will be drowned it a combination of spit and trifle.

Monday, July 03, 2006


Pointless Traffic Lights - Idiot #10

I dedicate todays post to the unanamed hordes at planning departments and property developers.

Living in the Thames Gateway area close to the new channel tunnel station at Ebbfleet (So names because Northfleet sounds a bit too scummy), there are loads of houses being built. I don't have too much objection to it other than one thing. Why the hell does each new bit of housing have to have it's own set of traffic lights? I'm sure it is done specifically to make it easier for the rich sods living in new build hell to get out of town. We have a ridiculous situation where about 100 yards before the main Bluewater roundabout is a set of traffic lights. I get caught at there nine times out of ten, yet I have only once ever seen anyone waiting to get out from Waterstone Park.

There is another new development going on near Gravesend and Northfleet football ground, and despite being a relatively small development it needs it's own set of traffic lights. These lights are yet to be activated but when they are they will be the second set of lights within the space of about fifty yards. If you add the set at the top of the hill that makes three sets within half a mile.

My plea to council planning officers is that just because these developers line your pockets and give community developments via Section 52 agreements doesn't me you should give their clients the benefit of preferential treatment getting away from their identikit plasterboarded hell-holes. make them give way like the rest of us.

Today's Cull: You will be hung from the nearest traffic lights, let's face it, there are plenty to choose from.

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